The loneliness in recovery is perhaps one of the hardest things we have to contend with as human beings. This time of year brings back the hurt, as we are forced to imagine how things should or could have been so different if we had only been able to stop the succession of events that unfolded in the past.
It is here the guilt, shame and disconnection rises to the surface and here where the strongholds of your personal growth are tested.
It is here in this space where relapse seems like a solution to drown the pain. This post is here to remind you that “solution” has never been a “solution”. Relapse is a diversion and not a path you are prepared to follow as it no longer serves you. Perhaps the temporary illusion of refuge still pulls you in, but in reality, you know it is the insidious liar that prevents your growth.
Those old-timers say the “opposite of addiction is connection” and they are right.
Unfortunately many times you have no choice in our loneliness. Things happened, we are here and here is lonely.
You land up on your own and in your own mind and the feeling of isolation is the feeling of loss. We grieve and mourn and imagine a partner, friend or family member, a soulmate, a someone who will be here with you, who would understand you and be gentle and kind to you.
The truth is that in these times under the searching fire of residual memory. You are most rapidly transforming into the most resilient version of your future self.
I know this to be the truth because it is my truth. Here now as it was then. You don’t know me but I know you.
Loneliness forces you to examine your emotional minefields for what they are. With each revelation, you diffuse another ticking time bomb and gain clarity on how you are going to do better. It is here that your battle plan forms, in gentle isolation.
This is where you learn to grow yourself, love yourself, accept yourself and care.
- With grace, we accept the things we cannot change
- With courage, we change the things we can
- With wisdom, we learn the difference
This is the time of year you build that wisdom you need to remind yourself that you are only a human my friend. Made from the dust of stars.
At the time of your addiction, you simply did not have a better solution, which is why you are forgiven. Acknowledge that you were doing the best you could at the time. You could have done no more or no less let it go. The condition you have is called “being human”.
And now you are building a better solution, even if it is hard, even if it is lonely, you are creating the wisdom required to learn acceptance, gratitude, forgiveness and build trust and love again.
Lonely personal growth is your badge of honour, so wear it with pride. By speaking your truth with the intent of building these the pillars you shift your focus. Zoom out, zoom out again, zoom out again, you see there is a bigger picture and your portion is still being painted by you.
These are the gifts of isolated self-examination. Don’t get me wrong, she is a cold relentless bitch but she is also a beautiful mentor once you get to know her.
- I want you to know my friend, even if nobody else sees it, I know that at heart you are a good person put into a very fucked up world.
- I know that you were always under extreme circumstances and doing the best you could at the time.
- I know that you never started out wanting to create isolation in your life, but shit did happen friend.
While I know these things about you, the more important question is. Do you know them about yourself?
I forgive you because you are still seeking your truth and going to find your inner peace, I know you are. So keep on keeping on friend, you are worth it in every way.
I do believe in you. Even if you don’t believe in you right now.
When you own your serenity, you will own your hope and you open yourself to learn from others, therein lies great wisdom that you are slowly building the grace to accept.
As you move between these layers of hurt, grief and loss you will start to see new colours and shapes. Distortions and clouds that you thought were you, are not yours, they were simply the climate you were standing in at the time and you can safely move past them now.
However slowly you are edging forward, be thankful for progress and the ability to move forward. Gratitude is reborn each day inside of you.
Starting to believe that you are enough, you are abundant, you are valuable and that you are willing to grow in many ways is your hope.
I see it even if you don’t, right now. I acknowledge that you are trying.
Start believing in yourself, even if there is nobody around to see you do it. The only constant in life is that things will change. So will you, so will your situation, believe in that truth. Right now, you are getting better, not bitter, you have tried bitter and it’s bitter.
I believe these things in you because there are times I feel I have no hope too. I do not believe in myself and then I remind myself, that I am learning to love. So are you my friend. Have some faith, you deserve it.
If no one is there, please let me remind you
- You are a good person, so stop telling yourself otherwise
- You are learning to be better, so stop telling yourself otherwise
- You are abundant, resourceful and imaginative, so stop telling yourself otherwise
- You are learning to love again, so stop telling yourself otherwise
Little sparkles happen as you start letting go of the pain and start using kind words to describe yourself and those around you.
Move toward your sparkles, they will guide you. Don’t believe me? Just practice and you will see.
Forget about the should have / could have bullshit, it’s not the now and present. You know that! So why are you still hosting that “pity party”?
Joy is right here, right now in front of you just choose it.
Step into your light and let it heal you, even if now it is lonely right now.
They may never understand, but you can accept the apology that you may never receive and forgive them anyway. You deserve that peace. This is your saving grace.
You have my full permission now to start making your own happiness again. Once you acknowledge your pains existence you can apply for the divorce. Nobody is forcing you to stay married to it.
That goal, that future target, that you are working so hard towards. The veil won’t magically lift to reveal your happiness, keep in mind that you might get there and find yourself alone. Forget about it.
Inner peace won’t come looking for you. You have to wade into the emotional soup and find it.
The truth is you need to build your happiness in the here and now, in the present. Breathe deeply my friend, you are getting there.
With grace, we accept the presence of happiness.
Have the courage to open the door to make amends no matter who was right or wrong. And it takes courage. They don’t hand these badges out to the meek. When you search your own soul and find forgiveness it radiates from you and attracts forgiveness.
The succession of events is not as important as your willingness to forgive or accept. I repeat “your willingness to forgive or accept” for dramatic effect.
Forgiving yourself right here and right now is the only way.
That loneliness that has followed you around your whole life. It will never go away, so you might as well make friends and accept it. No other time is more meaningful to do this than sitting here inside your loneliness. You have but limited time on this planet. Carpe Deum.
You, my friend, are a warrior, a survivor, a guide to others and an inspiration. It’s time to stepped into your role and transcended your boundaries and believed it.
Only in isolation can you make these decisions, only in isolation will you accept them, only in isolation believe them and start living again as the aware version of yourself.
I have never met you my brave friend, but you are my friend because I know your loneliness and you know mine.
If this article moved you, there is a reason for that. Join our free community of people going through loneliness in recovery right now. You owe it to them as much as you owe it to yourself to get better. We are getting better together.